We lived two separate lives..Searching for something
We have had no clue.
It wasn’t until passing it made a little sense.
We talked all the time and found our commonalities.
We told each other secrets
Shared inside jokes and secret code words.
We Laughed all night at the silly things we’ve done, past and present.
Talked about our dreams and growing up
Then we kissed….
Our hearts touched …
And our bodies connected.
Our nights ended with each others sleepy breathing.
Our days didn’t start until start until a sweet “good morning”
We held hands in public, stared in each other’s eyes and kissed passionately for no reason.
Talked about OUR future….
Then we argued.
The long stares turned to eye rolls.
Passion turned to a quick satisfaction.
The need the… the want to be around each other suddenly seemed rushed and like a waste of time.
The connection fizzled.
The phone calls stopped.
Whenever we talked the awkward silence took over our words.
We are no longer comfortable with each other.
We are asking questions that we use to know the answers to .
We sit right next to one another and feel so alone.
We are now two people searching for something…
Something we had and…
Category Archives: Poetry
We lived two separate lives..Searching for something
I wrote this about a year or 2 ago.. But I found it randomly… Good shit though! Lol
Maybe the problem lies within me. Maybe I have done something wrong to make things be this way! I don’t know what to say and if I knew what to say im not sure if I would know how execute the words…
When I step into things I try to give my all but my definition of all is never good enough for them..
I give too much of my heart and in the end that shit gets pulled out stepped on, stomped on and shitted on..
All I ask is for a little bit of honesty and if I don’t get what your saying ill ask “why?” but that questions seems to be a SAT question to most…
I ask why and you either can’t answer or you have to take time out to come up with one, maybe if I broke it down in multiple choice you would get it?
Yea im hurt I can admit that but now im asking myself “why?”..
Why be hurt over something that I told myself not to get too deep with?
Why be hurt over something that held back so much?
Why be hurt over something that I did not ask for?
Why be hurt over something that I KNEW would hurt me?
Is it my fault?
Always ending up in the same situations with the same kinds of people..
Not a relationship..
No but could’ve been
Very much! It WAS very special.
For 2 years I did construction on myself…
To make me realize that im better off this way and im happy with it just being
And I am,
But of course
And just when I think I don’t give a fuck, something comes along
Something shows me something different..
But it scares me, like a child im starting over again
Scared, nervous, anxious, needy, wanted, happy, excited..
Since the last one no one has had the ability to make me feel like I did.
But with all of these feelings I told myself,
Don’t get too close to something, something has hurt many and you won’t be an exception
Something reassured me that everything is ok, its not trying and wont hurt me..
But my gut says different..
Gut is usually right..
But the way im feeling is too good to just walk away, im going to TRUST that everything is everything…
This was a breath of fresh air..
It was different what has been happening to me…
The feeling is just…indescribable
I couldn’t put the words to it but the emotions could show it all..
Something pulls away…turns on me like an animal
Did something get scared?
Or was I getting too wrapped up in this?
But things are great..
And if it came down to it, would I give my all to something?
In a heartbeat…
Not at all..
Then something turns to nothing,
Im not feeling appreciated, wanted, or needed..
Instead now im confused && lost
The end has approached
But so quick?
Trying to figure it out…
Only I have to look in that mirror
When I walk past no one know the lies
I stare and I smile…
so my mind begins to race
as the thoughts become more clear
tears roll down my face
I am ashamed for what I have done
I build myself up as this person I should be
Little do they know I have nothing
No love from them or to myself…
I paint a picture of confidence like I am the best in the room
but deep down inside I hope no on looks at me
what if they notice that I not all I am cracked up to be
that my closet is not full of labels
that my neighborhood is not the best
that my bank account is empty
that my bills are always late
that my definition for love is sex
So I hide…
I hide behind a mask full of deceit and lies
to build myself up
but i am falling short
I want you to love me
but I act careless as if I don’t
When I am surrounded by many
I feel like the only one
You want to be just like me
but you don’t know who I really am
and I will never tell because…
no one has to look in my mirror but me
somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff
like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin this is mine/this aint yr stuff/ now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self
somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff & didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin i was late for my solo conversation or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts
what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on a open market/ did you getta dime for my things/ hey man/ where are you goin wid alla my stuff/ to ohh & ahh abt/ daddy/ i gotta mainline number from my own shit/ now wontcha put me back/ & let me play this duet/ wit silver ring in my nose/ honest to god/
somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs this is mine/ ntozake ‘her own things’/ that’s my name now give me my stuff/ i see ya hidin my laugh/ & how i s it wif my legs open sometimes/ to give me some sunlight/ & there goes my love my toes my chewed up finger nails/ niggah/ wif the curls in yr hair/ mr. louisiana hot link/
i want my stuff back/ my rhytums & my voice/ open my mouth/ & let me talk ya outta/ throwin my shit in the sewar/ this is some delicate leg & whimsical kiss/ i gotta have to give to my choice/ without you runnin off wit alla my shit/ now you cant have me less i give me away/ & i waz doin all that/ til ya run off on a good thing/
who is this you left me wit/ some simple bitch widda bad attitude/ i wants my things/ i want my arm wit the hot iron scar/ & my leg wit the flea bite/ i want my calloused feet & quik language back in my mouth/ fried plantains/ pineapple pear juice/ sun-ra & joseph & jules/ i want my own things/ how i lived them/ & give me my memories/ how i waz when i waz there/ you cant have them or do nothin wit them/
stealin my shit from me/ dont make it yrs/ makes it stolen/ somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i waz standin there/ lookin at myself/ the whole time & it waznt a spirit took my stuff/ waz a man whose ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow/ waz a man faster n my innocence/
waz a lover/ i made too much room for/ almost run off wit alla my stuff/ & i didnt know i’d give it up so quik/ & the one runnin wit it/ don’t know he got it/ & i’m shoutin this is mine/ & he dont know he got it/ my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure of the year/
did you know somebody almost got away wit me/ me in a plastic bag under their arm/ me danglin on a string of personal carelessness/ i’m spattered wit mud & city rain/ & no i didnt get a chance to take a douche/ hey man/ this is not your perogative/ i gotta have me in my pocket/ to get round like a good woman shd/ & make the poem in the pot or the chicken in the dance/
what i got to do/ i gotta get my stuff to do it to/ why dont ya find yr own things/ & leave this package of me for my destiny/ what ya got to get from me/ i’ll give it to ya/ yeh/ i’ll give it to ya/ round 5:00 in the winter/ when the sky is blue-red/ & Dew City is gettin pressed/ if it’s really my stuff/ ya gotta give it to me/ if ya really want it/ i’m the only one/ can handle it
-Ntozake Shange. “For coloured girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf”
For colored Girls DVD comes out today. As a black women we can each find our self wrapped up in one of those characters if not all four. I know I saw a piece of me in each one of those young ladies, we deal with so much..
“We [African-American women] are some of the most powerful beings on earth… but we rarely know how to use it.” -Liberatedee
You Came, Too
I came to the crowd seeking friends
I came to the crowd seeking love
I came to the crowd for understanding
I found you
I came to the crowd to weep
I came to the crowd to laugh
You dried my tears
You shared my happiness
I went from the crowd seeking you
I went from the crowd seeking me
I went from the crowd forever
You came, too
My moment of rejoice,
I’ll indulge in the taste of you,
Sipping every ounce,
Enjoying every bit,
There is no way to repeat you,
Or to repeat this process,
Your name is my prescription,
Your heart is my infection,
Your soul is my Doctor,
I asked that you take care of me,
Nurse my bumps, my bruises
Ice my burns,
And love my heartache.
I am who I am because of the people who raised me and where I came from,
I love you for the person you are, who raised you, and where you came from.
Now I promise to love you for who you are to me and how you brought me up from the bottom.
I’m at the top with my MUSE,
With our future being our sky,
Nothing is the limit,
We are the birds who fly below the clouds,
Basking in the glory of our past,
Embracing everything that we have,
Life is to short,
I’m glad I didn’t let my bird fly pass 🙂